Get a Job

Dear Parsiphony,

I've recently been thinking quite a bit about marriage. Many of my friends are getting married, you see, and two of my siblings as well. I've also been thinking about relationships in general, and asking some questions that it seems very few people actually ask.

For instance, when is it right to consider another person romantically?

It seems the most common answer is very "feelings" based. I was listening to some songs by I think Cascada, and she said something in one of them like "I love you just because the feeling is there, this is my religion." That made me think a little.

I also recently heard the popular song "Skater Boy," where the point of the song is that we are supposed to stick to someone like glue if we like them whether or not they have a means of self-improvement, or whether or not they are willing to go the extra mile and even do things they do not enjoy to provide for their family. Basically, this boy is a very good skater, and a girl who likes him decides to back off because that is the only thing going for him. He gets rich and famous on MTV because of his massive skating skills, and the person singing the song tells us she is his later girlfriend and the first was stupid for not sticking by him, because of course his talent couldn't be denied.

Well, forgive me for saying so, but very few people who are good enough at skating to land a job as a professional skater end up famous on MTV with enough money to support a family. Skating, though nice, literally only produces entertainment and, for the skater, exercise.

My point in all of this is that it is very unkind, if one is a boy, to try and ensnare the affections of a girl without any means, future or present, of supporting her or the family she would in an ideal universe provide him if they got married. It is also very unkind, if one is a girl, to marry someone willfully in the above circumstances (i.e., who could with exertion provide for her and the family in a meaningful way) when she wants to have children and children need food. If a man wants to get married and his current skill-set will not procure a job which provides enough money, it is time to go back to school and form a bigger skill-set.

How much of our if-I-feel-it-it-is-right culture comes down to simple laziness and the rejection of reality? Let's start joyfully embracing what is necessary (i.e., honest, hard work and a purposeful, steady life) instead of denying reality and being bitter when things don't turn out like we imagined.

That goes for the women as well. We should prepare ourselves for married life by honing the humble but extremely necessary skills for managing a household. If we cannot bring ourselves to cook, clean, teach, and care, change diapers, etc, then we shouldn't consider becoming romantically attached. It would be extremely unkind to expect the men to do all the labor, as women are thoroughly capable of taking up responsibility just like men are. It would be extremely unkind to be anything but sacrificial in time and labor towards the children, because those little tykes need a lot of love and a lot of guidance as they grow. An attitude of sacrifice is necessary for both men and women in the married state, and both need love and patience as their spheres of labor overlap depending upon temporal and possibly financial vulnerabilities.

When I first started thinking about this, I thought saying what I thought would be too unkind. I mean, look at all the people I just seemingly doomed to remaining unmarried! But then it occurred to me, I'm not dooming anyone; I'm telling them to shape up, as they jolly well should if they don't want to be lazy.

Looking forward to seeing your thoughts on this matter, my dear Parsiphony, and God bless,
~Dinah Greyhorn